New places I now seek, for I have traveled farther now through space and time. Newer faces and spaces beckon my dreams and fuel my fantasy now. Yesterday! Yet stale while experience has expired; Hunger for nouveau mindscapes its time to slay those voices within and to drown in the mysticisms of life. I can sense the enigma…..Can you?
I whom, is perceived to be cynical (by the world) had to draw conclusion, I believed that my knowledge about human bonding was climatic but so untrue. It indeed is a vast unexplored network of obscurity. I am amazed by the slightest of the occurrence in quarter of my life span. This one is definitely fresh.
“Loss” has innumerable connotations to each one of us. Everybody must have defied it on their own terms. Some may be victorious others might not. The sense of victory or loss is felt in same measures. Does loss bring same depth of loathful emptiness to soul as much as the height of fervent completeness of a win? (I know it is a passive statement) It’s subjective, objective or relative, you name it! But it’s absolutely perceptive to me. It is another dichotomy.
I took no pride or humility to her existence in my extended family. I knew her less, though she was my cousin. Until the night that message crept into my phone. It communicated the bereavement in brevity. I thought of a condolence message to revert, I wasn’t too sure How to. Decided I shall convey when I meet her. Impassive to her loss I settled in the warmth of my sheets that night.
Unsure of walking with the mourners that morning, I reluctantly pulled myself pretended modesty to the world and walked up to her to offer solace. Her grief stricken face said most of it, yet her brave eyes looked to have accepted the truth about wretched life. She sat still next to departed soul. I was more ambiguous of my expression, I froze momentarily my words wouldn’t comfort her for sure. Strange emotions engulfed my thoughts I walked away. I feared to have forgotten my funeral etiquette's. I am not sure if there was one for this isn’t my first. I was so apathetic to this whole episode until I went into her house that morning.
I regained my composure. It was time to the funeral procession. Hearse Van was waiting, they put body on to stretcher inside the vehicle. She climbed after, sat next to flower decked lifeless body wrapped in white. I could feel the stillness of her emotion. While she sat there, tears just gushed down her cheeks. She wept silently This was it, here ends my part. As always I was to return home from hereon. I see the hearse van proceed towards the crematorium. I sat in my car my palms were sweaty, my heart beat faster I was restless, it was all very unusual. I flinch for a moment something painful tugged my soul. I instinctively followed the hearse van. I was blank until we reached the crematorium.
Realisation dawned upon me while I was slowing cruising in my car through hundreds of tombstones. It was quite amusing. All those souls which were put to rest didn’t seem to mind another inclusion. There were four other bereaved families waiting to cremate their near or dear one. It was ocean of men at the crematorium. We were just four women bizarrely ogled at by the crowd. (My cousin, a lady relative, my mother and myself) I was totally consumed by the surrounding. Everything seemed simple and logical. Birth and death as said remains binary eternally. What lies in between is for us to fend for.
My mind floated through the enigma of new mindscape, vaguely defining birth and death. I was strangely emotionless to the occurrence in front me. I put my arms around my cousin to comfort her. Her deep seated emotions erupted through my gesture. Her sorrow soaked my heart. I was guilty of breaking her strength. My shoulders shrug. As last rites were complete my cousin broke down inconsolably. I could sense the obscure emptiness suddenly. It was an unexplainable devastation. She was buried in her angst trying to find solace in emotional wreckage. Her grief entwined with mine, wrung my soul. She screamed her guts out, withered in pain, she was shattered by her irreplaceable loss. No words in this world could sooth her. I felt like a bullet was stuck in my throat. My mouth went dry. I couldn't speak. It’s hard to word my experience.
My aunt’s body was on the pyre, I saw it move on to burning chamber. I could hear the bones crackle through the fire. I held my cousin closer, I did feel her body limp in my arms it shudder insides out of me. She wept her soul dry, eyes were dead, and her expression sore before sudden wicked silence could creep in, that orphaned look on her face. I connected with my cousin only then. Her silence resonated loud that it was her “mother” lying lifeless on that pyre. I fear that moment in my life.
